It was the 1970s and there were only four people on planet Earth.  Today there are easily twenty.  

HOW TO ACCOUNT FOR THIS MASSIVE POPULATION GROWTH?

Overalls.

That is professional basketball coach Larry Brown in the 1970s.  And he’s wearing FUCKING OVERALLS!

In his recent autobiography, “LARRY BROWN: THIS FUCKING HAPPENED,” Brown discusses his style:

“It was like not a lot of people around.  Like four.  Four people.  So you didn’t care as much.  Who cares what four people think?  I’ll wear the overalls.  Fuck ‘em.”

BUT TIMES CHANGED.

“I started wearing sweaters.  Big sexy sweaters.  It wasn’t a good time for me.”

“I had trouble signing my name.  I used to write “X” a lot. There were now seven people on the planet.  Maybe eight.  It wasn’t okay to be as expressive.”

“And honestly, I got tired of holding my arms up all the time.  I was constantly holding my arms up and doing like three fingers or two fingers. Or in the sweater picture I was doing ten fingers.  That’s like two full hands.  In the air.  I wasn’t built for that.  I had to let go.”

UNFORTUNATELY FOR PLANET EARTH, IT WAS TOO FUCKING LATE. THE OVERALLS MADE OTHER PEOPLE BE BORN AND NOW THERE’S TWENTY FUCKING PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET AND WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO TOO MUCH GOVERNMENT KEEP ‘EM OUT WHERE’S THE FENCE AW HELL MONTANA.

“Today,” says Brown, “I don’t like to have looking like anything.  I like just blending into the region. Twenty people? Get the fuck out of here. I can’t keep track of their opinions. The basketball team’s gonna win.  GO IN THE HOOP!  EASY!!!”

When asked what he can if it did, Brown replied, “I like sitting in my car and pretending to drive but not actually driving.”

ON THIS GREAT DAY, MAY 13, 2013, DOTSON SALUTES 1970S LARRY BROWN FOR WEARING OVERALLS, FOR CAUSING THE WORLD POPULATION GROWTH TO QUADRUPLE, FOR HOLDING HIS ARMS UP, FOR HAVING THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY THAT EVERYONE WILL BE TALKING ABOUT AT THE FOUNTAIN, FOR NOT LOOKING LIKE ANYTHING AND FOR PRETENDING TO DRIVE WITH NO INTENTION OF DRIVING. THE GREAT AMERICAN COOK-OUT.

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DOTSON SALUTES- MATTY CARDAROPLE’S WEEK

Have you ever had one of those weeks that was really good and where you accomplished a lot?

It’s a good feeling!  

Check out Matty Cardarople’s week!

ON THIS GREAT DAY, NOVEMBER 30, 2012, DOTSON SALUTES MATTY CARDAROPLE’S WEEK FOR BEING REALLY GOOD AND FOR GETTING THINGS ACCOMPLISHED AND FOR DRINKING CREAM SODA IN CELEBRATION OF ALL THE ASPIRATIONS THAT WERE ACHIEVED!

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DOTSON SALUTES - THE GREATEST HEADSHOT OF ALL-TIME.

I’m still getting goosebumps looking at this thing.  Who knew I could look so good?  With this headshot, I can finally conquer Hollywood and you can say you knew me when.  IN FACT, pretty soon they will have to rename Hollywood “Dotsonwood” because I am going to own this town.  Straight to #1 on the IMDb charts, baby!  Move over, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Robin Givens, there’s a new king in town and his name is Chris “Headshot” Dotson.  

We are going to be rich, my friend.  Also, who wants to play some varsity football?????

Chris Dotson

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Maybe in my next time (I meant to write “Maybe in my next life,” but let’s leave it.)  As I was saying, maybe in my next time I will own a lot of sweaters.  Just tons and tons of sweaters.  And I won’t even wear them because I’ll live in a warm climate and it’s not like I’m going to be some sort of hoarder because I won’t care that much that I own them and I’ll give one to anyone who asks.  But I’ll still have all these sweaters and it’ll be a fucking mystery to everyone as to why I have all these sweaters and all I’ll be able to do is look people in the eye and say, “Hey, I don’t get it either.  I don’t fucking get it.”  And then we will find the nearest swimming pool and we will read from teleprompters.

I love my cat.

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Dotson Salutes - Keith Coogan

There are many reasons to live in Los Angeles.  Some live here because of the weather.  Others live here because you can recycle your old wall calendar and receive $2.95 every time, no questions asked.  Still others enjoy the museums or the sidewalks or the smell of spring in the air.  Some people have children.

Still others live here for the promise of meeting a celebrity.  And as it so often happens in Los Angeles, one can meet a celebrity and then later realize on the drive home who the person was.

Such a thing happened to me tonight.  I was with a friend and we went to the radio station where my friend does his weekly podcast. It’s called Skidrow Studios.

My friend wasn’t doing his show tonight. Keith Coogan was.  He’s the guy who said “The dishes are done, man,” in Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead. (See 5-second video clip above.)

My friend and I hung out with the engineer while Keith Coogan did his radio show.  We didn’t really listen to his show because we were too busy talking to each other about San Francisco and Louis C.K. and whether my friend should take mushrooms for his birthday.

After Keith Coogan’s show was over, the engineer introduced me and my friend to Keith.  He shook our hands.  Then we talked for about two minutes.  Actually, I just listened.  That’s what I do.  Then Keith Coogan shook our hands A SECOND TIME and left.  

While we were driving home, my friend told me who Keith Coogan was and the light bulb went off.  

TWO handshakes, bitch.  

ON THIS GREAT DAY, JULY 21, 2012, DOTSON SALUTES KEITH COOGAN FOR BEING AT THE RADIO STATION WHERE DOTSON AND HIS FRIEND WERE HANGING OUT AND HE WAS IN A LOT OF MOVIES AND SHOWS BESIDES DON’T TELL MOM THE BABYSITTER’S DEAD BUT HIS LINE “THE DISHES ARE DONE, MAN” IS ONE OF THE GREATEST LINES IN THE HISTORY OF CINEMA— BETTER THAN “ROSE BUTT” IN CITIZEN KANE OR “PLAY IT AGAIN, STAN” IN CASABLANCA OR “GUYS!  STOP CALLING ME ‘CHET!’ YOU KNOW I HATE THAT!” IN THE 1992 FILM JUICE  AND TWO HANDSHAKES, BITCH.   

Chris Dotson  youtube.com/notdavidlynch

Dotson Salutes - Bruce Springsteen

We all know him.  He’s the guy that does the thing and it usually involves music.  

“From the beginning, I wanted to,” he once famously said.  

And that’s exactly what Bruce Springsteen did.  Starting in 1970, he started playing music.  Shortly thereafter, he did more music.  The era from 1974 through 1980 was largely comprised of music and then came 1981 when he made more music.  1982 was a very musical year for him and who could forget 1983 through 1987 when he made music.

But then came 1988.  A year where he made music, but also the year when he did the infamous “Who Wants to Sleep with the Boss?” Tour.  Turns out a lot of people did.  And there was the drawing in Tulsa one night and we all know what happened when Mindy Patterson’s name was called.  

Even to this day, when people go to a Bruce Springsteen concert they expect to hear music.

A testament.

ON THIS GREAT DAY, JULY 18, 2012, DOTSON SALUTES BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN FOR MAKING MUSIC EVERY YEAR AND FOR DOING THE “WHO WANTS TO SLEEP WITH THE BOSS?” DRAWING AND ONLY ONE WILL WIN AND WHO COULD EVER FORGET.

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HOLY SHIT IF THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD WERE WRITERS THAT WOULD BE SO COOL.  EVEN IF IT WAS LIKE FOR FIVE MINUTES.  FOR FIVE MINUTES EVERYONE IN THE WORLD WOULD BE A WRITER AND PEOPLE WOULD BE IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING LIKE BEING A DOCTOR AND THEN THEY’D SAY “HOLY SHIT! I’M A WRITER!” AND THEY’D PUT DOWN THEIR SHOVEL AND START WRITING AND IT WOULD LAST FOR 5 MINUTES AND THEN AFTER FIVE MINUTES THEY’D SAY “WHAT IS THIS?  DID I JUST WRITE SOMETHING?  I’M NOT A WRITER.” AND THEN THEY’D THROW IT IN THE TRASH AND IT WOULD ONLY LAST FIVE MINUTES.

George

By Chris Dotson

7/8/12

If George had a nickel for every time someone asked him where the bathroom was, he would be a very rich man.  It didn’t seem to matter where George found himself, whether it was at a shopping mall, a carnival, a dog show or just a store that sold a lot of different maps, people would always walk up to Bill and ask him where the bathroom was.

“It’s embarrassing,” George confessed to his wife Greta one night.  They stood in their kitchen as Greta canned some peaches.  There were crickets chirping and other sounds happening that created some atmosphere.  

“They always think I work there.  Wherever I am, they think that I work there.  They think I’m some shit clerk.  Some shit employee making minimum wage or something.  It’s utter bullshit.”

“Oh, George,” said Greta, “You give off an air of authority.  That’s all it is.  They see you and they think subconsciously ‘This is a man who knows where things are.’  It’s a compliment.”

George and Greta had had this discussion many times before. It most often came up on Sunday nights.  Those were the nights that George always seemed to feel most sensitive about what people thought about him. 

“Well, be that as it may,” said George, “I’m goddamn sick of it.  I’m just sick to hell about it.  Let someone else shoulder that responsibility.  And you know how many times I actually know where the bathroom is?  Probably 10% of the time, if that.  And when I tell them that I don’t know where the bathroom is, you should see the look of disappointment on their faces.  It’s a goddamn disheartening situation.  It really is.  Have you ever had to deal with that, Greta?  Letting people down 90% of the time?”

Normally Greta was very patient when it came to indulging George in conversation about this matter.  But tonight was not one of those nights.  Tonight Greta just wanted George to shut the fuck up. 

The End  

Dotson Salutes - Fuck.  I ate a frog leg.

You know how people eat food?  Tonight I was one of those people.  My friend ordered food and he offered to share some with me and so I had some.  He ordered frog legs.  I’d never had frogs before so I took a leg.  It started out okay but then as I was chewing I just started to feel really bad for the frog.  I also felt bad for myself.  I had a cooked frog in my mouth.  Why did I do that?  And the poor damn frog.  ”The poor fucking frog,” I kept thinking.  And then I just kept chewing it and chewing it and it took so many chews to get it finished.  Damn, it took a long time.  I felt like the chick in Game of Thrones who has to eat the horse heart.

But the bar we were at was really cool.  It was on the 15th floor.  We had to take two different elevators to get there, too.  

ONTHISGREATDAY, July 5, 2012, Dotson salutes Fuck. I ate a frog leg. because it was on the 15th floor and there were two elevators and it was a fun night and it’s good to experiment because who knows?  It’s not up to us.

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Dotson Salutes - Flushing Toilet Sounds on the PA System in Public Restrooms so Men Can Go All the Time No Problem.

It happens more than you’d think.  You go to the audition and the director wants you to scream like crazy and pick up the other actor and give him a piggyback ride at the audition and it doesn’t make you sore but you know you’re not exactly fresh out of the box and picking up a grown man while screaming at the top of your lungs might lead to some discomfort either instantly, later that evening or the next morning.  

But you leave the audition and you feel pretty much okay so you think you’re going to make it and then your thoughts turn to public restrooms and sometimes men have trouble going when other men are around if it’s really quiet in there or if they’re too close to another guy and it’s ongoing sometimes.

Then the next thought comes and it’s about if a man hears the sound of a flushing toilet or water running from a faucet that it makes it easier for him to go and that if they had sounds of flushing toilets playing in men’s rooms all the time then we could cure this once and for all and everyone could live stress-free plus it would be more fun than listening to the same music all the time or no music at all.  Count me in!

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